The Best of Critique

[ringmasterrob]

After a great deal of thought, we've finally decided on something to commemorate Critique's first year of existence and it goes something like this. This topic will be used as a suggestion box where people post in their favourite quotes, threads and other such Critique happenings from the first year. Naselus has agreed (yes I did ask him, I haven't gone so power mad that I delegate article writing tasks to others, not yet anyway) to collect them all together, add in his own commentary and we'll put it up on the articles page. Any questions about it plop them in here, other than that get suggesting! (At present there is no closing date, I'll let Naselus set one, but try and get your suggestions in fairly quickly)

[Thanatos]

My best contribution was deleted by the administrator.

[ringmasterrob]

First thing’s first;

Thanatos said:

My best contribution was deleted by the administrator.

I understand if you’re still a little sore about Will removing your post, if you remember I was on your side at the time. In fact had the post not been deleted I think it would almost certainly have made it into this article. I would also argue, however, that the post in question wasn’t really your best contribution to the forum. It was a funny rebuke at the time certainly, but not your best contribution. If you find any other posts of yours that you like feel free to contribute them instead. Okay, I’ll toss my ideas into the pot just to show you what we’re looking for here. First of all, let’s start off with the obvious:

thegreatcritic.proboards24.com/index.cgi?board=Polls&action=display&thread=1101394057

The Invasion topic, pretty much every post of it is pure comedy gold as this forum goes but the Millets posts and the posts immediately after them stand out as perhaps the funniest posts ever to appear on this forum. It’s a bit big to quote here but Mekanik’s post detailing his ‘plan’ for a ‘resistance group’ is an absolute MUST!

thegreatcritic.proboards24.com/index.cgi?board=general&thread=1098994191&action=display&start=0

Another topic filled with hilarious moments, a bit of a mix showing the attitudes and debating manner of a lot of people on the forum. It goes from a tame discussion of the monarchy to ‘a delightful bit of fiction’ to some of Mekanik’s most surprising contradictions to a discussion of Capitalism, the railways and Adolph Hitler to the thrilling conclusion where he just leaves for a lesser forum. It’s pretty funny stuff that also reflects a lot of people on the forum. Dozens of quotes from this topic could be used

thegreatcritic.proboards24.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1102787214

AND

thegreatcritic.proboards24.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1103026193

Modeski’s fantastic Social Engineering posts need no introduction, some of the most informative social discussion on the forum.

thegreatcritic.proboards24.com/index.cgi?board=miscell&thread=1086379542&action=display&start=90

The infamous beliefs topic was full of religious rambling, mostly Atheists vs. Christians but it certainly had a few comic moments, one of my favourites being

Naselus said:

PROFESSOR JOHN!!!!! My God, how could I argue with such a prestigious master as the infamous Professor John! A man almost as esteemed in Theological circles as Vidal Sassoon. Next time, get the more useful SURNAME (that's the second one) if you're going to get a reference. Just ask my English teacher, Professor Tim.

At least one or two of that thread’s highlights should be put in the best of.

I think that’s enough from me, I’ll give you guys a chance now, I think you get the general idea. Either link a whole thread and highlight reasons you like it and let Naselus decide whether he agrees, or source a specific quote that really makes you laugh. Over to you guys!

[modeski]

[Edited in accordance with Nas' guidelines]

Here are my favourite quotes from the major posters:

ringmasterrob said:

Laugh? At such a commonly accepted fact, acknowledged by 100% of people who like the railways? That's preposterous; next you'll be telling me that Millets are disarming! Or that all ex-colonies ARE NOT clamouring over each other to be ruled by Westminster again! Now stop being so ridiculous man, all those ridiculous commie-leftist ideals must’ve played havoc with your common sense. Or perhaps it’s all those drugs we idiot liberals abuse. Railways not any good! The cheek of it! Before you ask me to prove what I said allow me to tell you that all of my friends agree with me, and not a single one of my friends is a proletariat, therefore it must be true! ;D

Some Invasion thread madness from the mekanik:

the mekanik

Earlier in the post firearms were mentioned. Perhaps one of the most important factors in a resistance movement is stealth (no laughing please) so perhaps an all out barage with the trusty old AK is not the best.

It's the "no laughing please" that cracked me up. That and the "Trusty old AK" line. Oliver seems to be trying to convey an image of himself as a battle-hardened mercenary for justice. A square-jawed, brutishly handsome devil in gators and hiking boots; awesome tales of derring-do and heroic aloofness abound! Come, children, sit round the fire when I recount the tale of how your uncle oliver once singlehandedly resisted the invading blue army of the kingdom of saudi oil and homo-erotic fraternity rituals. Clean-shaven, crisply pressed trousers even in the height of bloody battle, our hero need fear not: he has his trusty old AK. He regards it fondly in the light of a burning corpse. Tilting his head back and inhaling deeply of the delicous napalm-tinted loughborough air, Captain Oliver McDuck of the Millets Elite Republican Army Resistance Force Fighting Squad Power Rangers, 3rd Infantry division (motto "carpe testiculum ergo sum") savours the glory of the occasion, and lovingly strokes the still red-hot barrell of his good old, trusty companion, the AK47".


Oohcarrots. She came out with some of the most unintentionally hilarious shit I've ever heard.

k hi guys you dont know me - but oh my good gravy i just read the last five pages of this forum and I WANT TO TALK TO YOU GUYS!!!!!!

Go us. THAR CHIXX0RS DIG THE DEBATING ACTION HURR HURR.

Naselus has a come out with a shedload of great quotes, but at the minute this one ranks up there with the best of them:

Even more insulting is the suggestion that things that I KNOW to be true are incorrect because they don't fit with things that you BELIEVE to be true. Belief, by definition, is an uncertainty, you THINK something is true, but cannot be sure. On the other hand, facts like the ones I offered you are KNOWN to be true, they are beyond doubt, unless I use words like 'Possibly', or 'it is believed'. It's arrogant and pompous, and when you decide to turn around and attack my debating style, claiming it's impossible for you to argue with me and yet I'm still wrong, you just sound ever-more desperate to make me stop saying these things IN CASE THEY'RE TRUE. How firm is your faith, Liquidus? Not got little niggling doubts, which you can't seem to stamp out, haunting you in the early hours of the morning? Doubts which speak with my same forked tongue, whispering in your ear that maybe God's not there, maybe you're all alone, and maybe all those hours in prayer are just wasted time?

I was having trouble choosing a quote from HStorm, but settled upon this gem from the beliefs thread:

Thanks. You're obviously an incredibly important person to know God so well, and we're honoured that you deigned to bless us with your attention.

Sadly, this is not what the thread was about, and only Liquidus' zealotry led him to think it was. This is not a thread specifically about Christianity (indeed it was refreshingly heading in a direction that analysed paganism until Liq seemed to insist that we have to talk about Christianity in a positive way or say nothing at all).

We indeed don't know what God is like, and that's because there's no way we can. Just as you can't either. You insisting you know him personally shows that you are arrogant, and that your doctrine must override anyone else's views. We are perfectly entitled to disagree with you.

In the end, I'd like to imagine you joined this forum for more reasons than just picking fights with people because they dare to be atheists. The reason why Liq asked you to join was a false assumption on his part that people were having a go at him and Christianity when they were not anyway, so if that's the only reason you're here, I'd venture to suggest you're a bit superfluous. May I suggest you (and Liq for that matter) try looking at some other threads and offering some thoughts on them? We would genuinely be interested in what you have to say.

[Naselus]

Gentlemen, I think we really need to organise this a little better. I want everyone to put down a clearly marked post with their favorite quote from each major poster (anyone with more than about 20 posts). Then we'll have something a little more structured for me to work with. Then I can run a commentary across each and every post. Closing date will be May 5, 2005, cos I'm a topical bastard and no mistake. Any quote before the deadline can be used, even if it's one you see on May 4th and REALLY like.

And, of course, you're expected to nominate ONE of your own posts, as long as you're a major contributor. Don't be shy, guys. We've all had some sparkling moments, perhaps none so many as me, be good none the less.

Finally, you can also use Miar's deleted works, which I'll be cutting and pasting into a seperate topic for posterity, and the printing off and mailing to both his house, and anyone who might want to talk to him over the next twenty-odd years. And also selling in a fine bound volume, combined with 'Weaponry through the ages: From Spears to Millets'.


Oh, and incidently:

square-jawed, brutishly handsome devil in gators and hiking boots; awesome tales of derring-do and heroic aloofness abound! Come, children, sit round the fire when I recount the tale of how your uncle oliver once singlehandedly resisted the invading blue army of the kingdom of saudi oil and homo-erotic fraternity rituals. Clean-shaven, crisply pressed trousers even in the height of bloody battle, our hero need fear not: he has his trusty old AK. He regards it fondly in the light of a burning corpse. Tilting his head back and inhaling deeply of the delicous napalm-tinted loughborough air, Captain Oliver McDuck of the Millets Elite Republican Army Resistance Force Fighting Squad Power Rangers, 3rd Infantry division (motto "carpe testiculum ergo sum") savours the glory of the occasion, and lovingly strokes the still red-hot barrell of his good old, trusty companion, the AK47".

f**king brilliant.

[Naselus]

My favorite post from, um, me. From the Monarchy thread, in discussion with Oliver over some railway figures that were running a little late....

I'll wait in gleeful anticipation, Oliver. I look forward to the day I read one of your posts and find some solid data to back up what you're saying. I promise you that, the moment I read it, I shall strip off my clothes, hurl them aside as worthless in my sight, and prance nakedly around Manchester city centre howling praises to any God who'll listen, wearing only neon pink stockings and a sandwich board with "OLIVER WAS RIGHT!!!!!!" printed on it in enormous purple letters. And I'll tape it, and upload the video.

[ringmasterrob]

WARNING: Huge post with many quotes from all the regulars, past and present...

The said:

I am sorry It should appear That I have completely failed to answer your tactics question, so I shall ge going... (The rest of the post is in the invasion topic)

The legendary Millets post

Naselus said:

You maintain the 'old' Britain thing (though I'm not sure why it's such a good thing. "Hey, Jeff, do you remember the good old days when you had to shit in the street?" "Yeah, and you'd die at thirty from the cholera. Happy days")

Naselus reminds us of "the good ol' days"

Naselus said:

How about ANYTHING involving the CIA? Since this is for conspiracies, I'll not include the confirmed ones such as:

Any coup in South America during the 1980s.
The Afghani hash export scheme.
The training and arming of Osama bin Laden.
The training and arming of Saddam Hussein.
The supplying of arms and weapons, secretly, to Iran, for use against, um, Saddam Hussein.
No less than FIVE attempts to assassinate... Saddam Hussein...
ANY American dealing with Saddam Hussein since he came to power.
MOST US dealings with Saddam Hussein before he came to power.
The destruction of the Italian communist party.
The arming and funding of Jamaica's People's Party (one of the most violent and dangerous political movements in the world)
The training (and supplying of crack cocaine) of Yardie drug barons working against the Jamaican Communist party.
Attempts to assassinate Yardie drug barons.
More attempts to assassinate Yardie drug barons, including Saddam Hussein.
The exporting of heroin from Afghanistan for no purpose other than extra funding for the CIA
Supplying Kurdish guerilla troops with weapons for use against, oh just damn well guess who.
Support and funding for numerous facist dictatorships across the globe.
Support and funding for the Taliban. Well, not any more.
Support and funding for Afghan warlords.
Support and funding for IRA terrorist suspects.
General acts of pure evil.


unconfirmed ones include:

JFK
Aliens.
They're actually really nice guys.

The CIA, they're just misunderstood really

Gamgee said:

It seems Oliver has committed political suicide and had to resign, bit like Blunkett really...

HStorm said:

Heh, anyone got any photos of Oliver with reddened eyes, sitting in the back seat of a limo as he's chauffeured away from the forum...? ;D

Those two had me falling about laughing being both topical and true.

Incubus said:

Christianity came before Paganism, not after. Pagans stole our ideas, not the other way round.

The dearly departed Incubus reveals how desperately in need of a history lesson he is

Thanatos said:

The P.E. poll tax.

Seriously, that's a bloody disgrace Go on strike from P.E. and encourage your fellow pupils to do so, telling the school that it can either stop charging or consider P.E. voluntary thenceforth. Petition the head of P.E., the headmaster, the bursar (if there is one), the Chairman of Governors, the County Council education spokesman, the Chief Inspector of Schools and Charles Clarke. Write to the local press. Write to the national press. Encourage all and sundry to complain to parents/guardians, at least some of whom will probably share your anger. I'm not even sure the school has the right to charge for a lesson that is obligatory under the National Curriculum; seek legal advice (if you can get it for free).

If there was a Nobel Prize for overreactions this post would be a shoe in!

modeski said:

Son, get your head out of your a**.

(directed towards Oliver) Because someone had to say it!

HStorm said:

Sorry, Rob, just unlocked the thread briefly so I could close it off with a final thought on an interesting irony to Mek's self-imposed exile.

As mentioned previously, Oliver has a habit of calling people who disagree with his views "Idiot Liberals", and clearly regards Liberal Democracy as a weak, inadequate political perspective, one that lacks authority, wisdom, courage, dynamism and sheer old fashioned staying power. Compare that to the no-nonsense strength of extremism, and you can see why he is proudly a Fascist.

As such I now pause to reflect with remorse how so many of his arguments in recent months have somehow been portrayed as being 'weak', or lacking in wisdom. How scandalously unfair we've been! Admittedly, due to a certain paucity of his knowledge, these arguments have lacked some authority, and have consequently been torn to shreds by the softy, well-informed, weakling Idiot Liberal brigade of this forum. And us Idiot Liberals, with our utter lack of staying power, will be all the poorer for his decision to depart this forum.

Er... right?

*Thinx* "Hang on... if the Liberals lack staying power and fortitude and strength and whatnot, why is it the Fascist has left the forum and the Liberals are all still there...?"

*Answers* Perhaps because the greatest form strength can ever have is knowledge, not aggression? Perhaps because extremism is actually quite weak, as it blinds you to all but the narrowest of perspectives?

Or perhaps it's because political persuasions are only part of a person's character, and that being weak is not just about what you believe in but how much it takes to stop you fighting for it.

Read Nas' or Modeski's opinions and you can't exactly conclude that they're on the right wing of the political spectrum, and yet study the way they express their views and you sure can't accuse them of being wimps about it either.

So let Oliver's callow surrender be seen as something more than just a self-pitying tantrum, let it serve as positive proof that extremism is not about strength but about impatience, which is in itself a great, damaging weakness.

So, Oliver, it would seem that in leaving you've provided your greatest self-contradiction yet, by disproving your vaunted 'greater strength'.

My favourite of HStorm’s many posts

modeski said:

Oliver seems to be trying to convey an image of himself as a battle-hardened mercenary for justice. A square-jawed, brutishly handsome devil in gators and hiking boots; awesome tales of derring-do and heroic aloofness abound! Come, children, sit round the fire when I recount the tale of how your uncle oliver once singlehandedly resisted the invading blue army of the kingdom of saudi oil and homo-erotic fraternity rituals. Clean-shaven, crisply pressed trousers even in the height of bloody battle, our hero need fear not: he has his trusty old AK. He regards it fondly in the light of a burning corpse. Tilting his head back and inhaling deeply of the delicous napalm-tinted loughborough air, Captain Oliver McDuck of the Millets Elite Republican Army Resistance Force Fighting Squad Power Rangers, 3rd Infantry division (motto "carpe testiculum ergo sum") savours the glory of the occasion, and lovingly strokes the still red-hot barrell of his good old, trusty companion, the AK47".

I had to add this one in too because it’s pure comedy gold!

ringmasterrob said:

Laugh? At such a commonly accepted fact, acknowledged by 100% of people who like the railways? That's preposterous; next you'll be telling me that Millets are disarming! Or that all ex-colonies ARE NOT clamouring over each other to be ruled by Westminster again! Now stop being so ridiculous man, all those ridiculous commie-leftist ideals must’ve played havoc with your common sense. Or perhaps it’s all those drugs we idiot liberals abuse. Railways not any good! The cheek of it! Before you ask me to prove what I said allow me to tell you that all of my friends agree with me, and not a single one of my friends is a proletariat, therefore it must be true! ;D

Though Modeski has already said it, I agree and think this is one of my best contributions to date.

Well that’s a quote from almost every major poster in the history of the forum, and I might add in some more later on...

[Thanatos]

"I understand if you’re still a little sore about Will removing your post"

More than a little.

"I was on your side at the time."

I do remember and thank you for it once again.

"It was a funny rebuke at the time"

It certainly wasn't meant to be funny!

Anyway, I've changed my mind: my best contribution, stylistically at least, was a subsequent message in that topic (the one to which HStorm replied that I was starting to sound like Sir Humphrey). I would also cite my discussion with him of his article on Nineteen Eighty-Four on the Literature Board.

[modeski]

Just FYI, I am updating my earlier reply to this post as and when I get time. Just keeping it in the one box makes it simpler.

[Naselus]

Just six more hours before the polls close, so to speak. Hurry up and make yourself heard! Which are the best articles?

[ringmasterrob]

The religion as a tool of the state was good as was the JFK article. You mentioned deleted works you were going to post in another thread, as these didn't get posted why not put them in the article? Other than that I can only encourage any members to offer their views before the 'polls' close!

[The mekanik]

modeski said:

[Edited in accordance with Nas' guidelines]

It's the "no laughing please" that cracked me up. That and the "Trusty old AK" line. Oliver seems to be trying to convey an image of himself as a battle-hardened mercenary for justice. A square-jawed, brutishly handsome devil in gators and hiking boots; awesome tales of derring-do and heroic aloofness abound! Come, children, sit round the fire when I recount the tale of how your uncle oliver once singlehandedly resisted the invading blue army of the kingdom of saudi oil and homo-erotic fraternity rituals. Clean-shaven, crisply pressed trousers even in the height of bloody battle, our hero need fear not: he has his trusty old AK. He regards it fondly in the light of a burning corpse. Tilting his head back and inhaling deeply of the delicous napalm-tinted loughborough air, Captain Oliver McDuck of the Millets Elite Republican Army Resistance Force Fighting Squad Power Rangers, 3rd Infantry division (motto "carpe testiculum ergo sum") savours the glory of the occasion, and lovingly strokes the still red-hot barrell of his good old, trusty companion, the AK47".

Goodness gracious me! I never knew that the other members of the Forum knew me so well, that description really is spot on.

Well, here I am gentlemen. And I am ready, with my Trusty AK-47.

Good Day.

Oliver

[modeski]

Goodness gracious me! I never knew that the other members of the Farce Forum knew me so well, that description really is spot on.

Well, here I am gentlemen. And I am ready, with my Trusty AK-47.

Good Day.

Oliver

[ringmasterrob]

*Ahem* Locked!