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Post by Naselus on Oct 1, 2005 13:10:23 GMT
Bradford (n) The part of a pint of beer which is dragged out for the longest possible time in order to avoid going to the bar.
Telford (n) Pub game, whereby several people, all in possession of a Bradford (q.v.), compete to drink as slowly as possible, and thus avoid having to go and buy the next round of drinks. Particularly skilled Telford players can sit with a near-empty drink for several days without moving at all.
Helmsford (n) Opening gambit in a game of Telford (q.v.), whereby a play goes to the bar while there are still relatively few people in the pub, and then, upon finishing his beer, avoids going to buy a round by saying "Well, I went last time".
Wexford (n) Unskilled Telford (q.v.) player, who honestly believes that if he finishes his drink before anyone else's beer reaches Bradford (q.v.) stage, he will avoid having to buy everyone a drink anyway. This inevitably fails, as well-versed Telford players have a Bradford of upto four pints.
Rutherford (n) The kind of unpopular bastard who never goes to the sodding bar on a night out.
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Post by HStorm on Oct 1, 2005 16:47:34 GMT
Lyme Regis (n) An activist who burns the national flag of another country in the mistaken belief that this is in some way going to do that country some harm, and not merely generate welcome extra business for its flag-manufacturing industry.
Rowley Regis (n) An activist who actually pays precious money to enter a military museum, and then pins a banner on its wall with the legend "Give peace a chance!" emblazoned on it, in the mistaken belief that this is going to strike a mighty blow against the evils of militarism.
Letcombe Regis (n) Any male activist who acts violent and pretends its got nothing to do with trying to look tough in front of girls.
Guildford (n) Canny veteran Telford (q.v.) player who will cheat by bringing a can of lager secreted inside his jacket to the pub, and repeatedly topping up his pint whenever his opponents' backs are turned.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 2, 2005 20:14:37 GMT
Bexford (n) Cunning variation of Telford (q.v.). The aim is to purchase as many pints as possible in one go, such as four per person, and then upon reaching a Bradford, stealing pints from those players still attempting to play Telford properly. The game is best known in Australia, but originates in Newcastle.
Oxford (n) The two old men in the corner of any pub, who are in fact both highly skilled Guildfords (q.v.), and have been sitting in the same spot since they were thirty five.
Hale Regis (n) A hippy discovered living in a burrow under a new infrastrucural development, who then feels his best chance at keeping his hole intact is to pretend he's some form of activist.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 16, 2005 16:44:05 GMT
Redford (n) Weak Telford player, who mistakenly spends the entire evening getting drunk and having a good time rather than concentrating on the serious business of not moving for as long as possible.
Ducksford (n) A move in a game of Telford (q.v.) that is particularly thrilling, exciting, stunning, ballsy, unexpected or otherwise interesting in any way means shape or form at all. Examples include a player standing up, sitting down, trying to stand up but then halfway through having to sit down, or any combination of the three.
Ditchford (n) DVD containing the 100 Greatest Ducksford (q.v.) moments of a given year. The use of Ditchfords has been banned under the Geneva convention
Dartford (n) Risque haircut worn by French Telford (q.v.) players, in an attempt to cover up how bad they are at the game.
Breakford (n) Risque English Telford player, who has worked long and hard to become particularly skilled at the game in an attempt to cover up how bad his haircut is.
Noxford (n) The sporty nicknames given to much-prized Telford players. Examples include Berty 'The Cushion' O'Hare, Jimmy 'Have pint, Won't Travel' Jameson, and Jeff 'Geoff' McNabb.
Noxford Spa (n) A Noxford (q.v.) that isn't utterly crap. The term has never risen to active use.
Underford (n) Controversial Telford (q.v.) move, whereby a secondary pint is purchase, and then positioned away from the drinker to so he appears closer to Bradford (q.v.) point. In particularly high-stakes games between professional players, an entire table is put aside to hold Underfords.
Lucford (n) Carefully-placed Underford (q.v.) table, which is sufficient distance from the Telford (q.v.) table as to make it easier to go to the bar than to collect your extra pints.
Lucford Spa (n) Some idiot who wastes time and effort carefully positioning a table just to hold spare beers on. (Alt. Def.) Any Essex-born male between the ages of 18 and 25.
Lucford ditch (n) The kind of total idiot landlord who allows a Lucford Spa (q.v.) to commandeer a table in his pub while I have to stand by the damned bar. The term has since been replaced with 'Barman'.
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Post by HStorm on Nov 1, 2005 16:13:49 GMT
Milking nook (n) Someone who justifies an enormous expense claim by using it as proof that he works harder than everyone else.
Wakering Stairs (n) The awe-struck expression of genuine astonishment on the face of someone who has found things have gone exactly as they expected.
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Post by HStorm on Dec 20, 2005 8:14:28 GMT
Okeford Fitzpaine (n) Bloodcurdling scream of agony by a salesman who, in trying to demonstrate how invincibly strong the glass of the window he's trying to sell to you is, puts his fist through it and lacerates the skin all the way up to his armpit.
Calne (adj.) Descriptive of one who is trying incredibly hard not to let on how impressed they are.
Hindhead (n. Rare) Any statement of untainted truth from the mouth of Jeffrey Archer.
Croxley Green (adj.) The colour a schoolchild's cheeks go when told that eating cabbage will put the colour back into their cheeks, which, interestingly, is much the same colour as the cabbage itself.
Gossop Green (adj.) The colour of the substances emitted from the mouth of a schoolchild whose cheeks have been Croxley Green (q.v.), and has attempted to eat a Glossop (q.v.).
Glossop (n) Leaf of Croxley Green (q.v.) shade cabbage boiled to precisely the level that infuses it with the worst smell and flavour quality that cabbage can attain, making it of such aroma as can induce a Gossop Green (q.v.) effect even without any attempt on the schoolchild's part to ingest it.
Sherburn in Elmet (n) Anti-dissident torture method employed in Ghanaian prisons, Gambian police Stations, and especially US corporate disciplinary offices, by holding a smiling photograph of George W. Bush in front of the prisoner's face, while attaching an entire lit Katherine wheel to his genitalia, until extracting the desired admission that the boss is right about everything.
Llantwit Major (n) Someone from the south-east of England who looks back with teary-eyed nostalgia on the Tory Government of the mid-90's.
Frithelstock (n) One at the neighbouring table in a pub who uses a can as an ashtray without checking to see whether you've finished drinking from it yet.
Frithelstockstone (n) An unexpectedly pleasant high from drinking from a can that has been tampered with by a frithelstock (q.v).
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Post by modeski on Jan 18, 2006 4:22:38 GMT
Some definitions inspired by Australian towns:
Narre Warren (n) A housing estate comprised of only display homes. A street in Narre Warren will grant you access to all the gardens (and therefore homes) through a single gate, forcing you to go through the reception area of the first house where the sales staff are waiting to accost you with brochures and shiny teeth.
Prahran (n.) An affluent suburb whose exclusiveness is marked by most people being unable to pronounce its name.
Ballarat (n.) A nocturnal rodent that interrupts evening cricket games on the oval. Thought to be the cause of 88% of lost balls after sixes.
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Post by Naselus on Jan 20, 2006 13:25:45 GMT
Bombay (abstr. n) Near-infinite number, representing the difference between the length a telephone conversation has to be and how long your girlfriend is going to make it last.
Rome (v) To embark on a journey of much less epic proportions than the traveller believes. Walking the Hindu Kush is roaming, driving to Bristol on a bank holiday is merely romeing.
Toxteth (n) Bizarre religion, whereby believer think that nothing is impossible as long as they ask for it to be done. Hugely popular with corporate executives and CEOs.
Wirral (n) Meaningless additional platitude, such as "there's a good chap", added onto the end of a Toxteth (q.v.) practicioner's demand, in the hope of making it seem all the more reasonable. i.e. "Jeff, prevent the imminent supernova about to effect Sirus III using only a toothpick and three types of cheeses, there's a good chap."
Cairo (n) creepy realisation that you've been in a night club or bar all night, but have spent most of your time there sat in the toilet talking to a bloke called Dave.
Sandhurst (n) Meaningless job title given to the boss's son to keep him out of trouble, such as "Service manager", "Chief Limitation Executive", or "Chairman of the Board".
(EDIT: Corrected a couple of spelling mistakes.)
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Post by HStorm on Mar 27, 2006 17:08:11 GMT
Barwick in Elmet (n) A sherburn in elmet (q.v.) performed on the dictator of a banana republic who has gone unrecognised by the staff of the prison during a routine inspection.
Auldgirth (n) An auldgirth is a long purple streak-mark on the underbelly of an extremely fat person, caused by bruising from the overworked belt that is used to hold the flesh in. Auldgirths invariably make a man in swimming trunks look like his belly-button has erupted plum sauce.
Goodworth clatford (v) Having been beaten fair-and-square in a friendly contest, to goodworth clatford your opponent is to congratulate them by deliberately and publicly listing all the things you dislike about them in great detail, and making a very half-hearted effort to play them down. Masters of goodworth clatfording include all Leaders of the Opposition in the Houses of Parliament, and Jose Mourinho.
Dickleburgh (adj) A newly-discovered technicolour, descriptive of dust that has soaked into the piss-stains on the floor around a badly-kempt private lavatory.
Stratton on the fosse (n) The crawling feeling in the skin on the underside of a foot that has trodden in a film of dickleburgh (q.v.) dust.
Much hadham (n) The name of Pat Roberson's retirement home.
Blandford forum (n) Title of the forthcoming compilation DVD of Davina McCall's new chat show.
Hawkinge (n) Branch of the sport of falconry, as played by big, butch, rich people who insist on taming pigeons, as anything more fierce would scare them.
Green bottom (n) Glossop (q.v.) cabbage that has already achieved all the qualities typical of the type without needing to be cooked first.
Pontymister (n) A colleague whom you've known and worked with for ten years, and with whom you've been on cheerful first name terms for as long as you can remember, who gets a promotion ahead of you and suddenly starts throwing tantrums whenever you don't address him as 'sir'.
Shoeburyness (n) The unpleasant warm sensation that runs up your spine when you hear the noise made by walking barefoot in wet mud.
Craigellachie (v) To while away long, hot summer afternoons by phoning numbers completely at random and saying, "Hello, yes?" testily when you get an answer.
Worth matravers (n) The perfectly reasonable, but clearly disingenuous, excuses teenage boys come up with when there are long, white, glistening stains on the outsides of their trousers. These excuses vary very widely in terms of content, but will refer in no way at all to the Pamela Anderson DVD that they wrongly imagine their mums to be unaware is hidden at the bottom of their Subbutteo box.
Samlesbury (n. vulgarism) An itchy sensation in the testicles that only ever sets in at the peak moment of sexual congress, and which can only be eased by withdrawing, and then scratching the affected area using a knitting needle. This scratching process invariably has the unfortunate side-effect of making the man too sore to resume for days afterwards.
Samlesbury bottoms (n) The irritable, crossed-arms mood that the unfortunate female by-stander at a samlesbury (q.v.) remains in when in bed for the entirety of the ensuing week.
Stibb cross (adj) Of a woman, to be irrationally suspicious and resentful when her boyfriend says entirely complimentary and respectful things about her to his friends.
Toller porcorum (American adj) Descriptive of the polite but futile usage of the word 'big' when clearly used to mean 'fat-as-an-overweight-rhino's-fat-bits'.
Llanfairfechan (adj) Truthfulness of a political statement as measured by the waffling absence of content.
Copford (n) The pet-name Tony Parsons gives to his vision of Utopia.
Lympne (v) To walk bravely but gingerly after taking a knee in the testicles, in a gallant but ultimately unsuccessful attempt to make it look like it didn't hurt that much.
Lytchett minster (v) Of bishops to look disdainfully upon those few vicars who still actually believe in God.
Chittys common (n) The statement made by 'compassionate conservatives' - like John McCririck or David Cameron, or Norman Tebbit, or Tony Blair - who are attempting to empathise with poor people from the Far East.
Blenau Ffestiniog (n) Cup full of pickled vomit given out by a desperate New Year party host to revellers to hide the fact that the real drinks have run out.
Much wenlock (Medical n) In circumstances where a man is so exhausted by the moment of orgasm that he nearly crushes his girlfriend to death through refusal to move, the much wenlock is the girl's agonised gasp for breath while the constriction on her throat continues until the man can finally be bothered to roll off of her about six hours later.
Eaton socon (n) The shape of a lump of gristle when someone finally spits it out after a prolonged, stubborn, and thoroughly unsuccessful attempt to prove that they really can eat it.
Kingston maurward (adj) Irrational directional adjective, used to describe the path taken by drunken members of the aristocracy at the end of a night out, when they need to find a toilet floor/shop doorway/homeless person to empty their bladders on.
Stoney Stratford (n) Unsporting gambit by a pub-going killjoy attempting to sabotage someone else's friendly game of Telford (q.v.), by insisting on playing darts at a board very close to the table where the game is being played, and frequently 'misfiring' the darts into the Telforders' drinks, and saying, "Oops, never was any good at this."
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Post by HStorm on Mar 28, 2006 13:33:57 GMT
Hornchurch (n) The pleased look on the face of a C of E vicar when a new recruit joins the boys' choir.
Horncastle (n) The enlarged hornchurch (q.v.) resulting from the arrival of more than three new recruits to the boys' choir on the same day.
Bucks horn oak (n) The super-enlarged horncastle (q.v.) on the faces of bishops who are interrupted in the middle of lytchett minstering (q.v) by the sight of a large group of newly-recruited choir boys.
Horn ash (n) The mess the church janitor finds on the floor in the vestry the day after a bucks horn oak (q.v.).
Cape horn (n) The length of fabric a church janitor throws over a horn ash (q.v.) to keep it concealed while he goes off in search of a liquid detergent powerful enough to shift the stain e.g. liquid gumption/hi-calibre bleach/carbolic acid/nitro-glycerine.
Cheriton fitzpatrick (n) The hidden control screen in a Microsoft Operating System that, on discovery, has a checklist of options that will explain much to many a frustrated computer-owner e.g. "Piss me off in the middle of a game by chucking me back onto the desktop for no reason before I've had a chance to save", "Always reboot while running really awkward programs that will corrupt the hard drive if interrupted", and "Never accept a new hard drive without me having to take the entire PC apart at least four times to change the jumper settings."
Grantown-on-spey (n) The embarrassing white thing that develops on the tip of a spot after it's been there for more than two days.
Bacup (v) To belch and feel a small cube of sick getting caught in the back of your throat.
Letchworth-garden-city (n) Location heavily-populated by mysoginists who regularly use the letchworth (q.v. from page 1) expletive. Term has since been superceded by the expression, 'All-The-Pubs-In-Newcastle-City-Centre'.
Stansted (n) A thirty-something obsessive hardcore fan of an 80's children adventure cartoon who applies heavily-detailed socio-political theories to the subject matter's entire world, including a full intricate system of legal and civil order, all on the basis of what happened in the episode, The Care Bears Go Shopping.
Croydon (v) To run away from a weedy little 11-year old with bucked teeth and holes in his jeans, just because he wears a baseball cap under his hoodie.
North croydon (v) To gloat about successfully croydoning (q.v.), despite the misfortune of it leading you to run into a seven-foot tall, muscle-bound caveman with a beer-belly, arms like tree trunks, and a raging chainsaw.
South croydon (v) To disappear round a corner while croydoning (q.v.), brace yourself against the wall in panicky anticipation of the moment your fearsome 11-year old pursuer arrives and accosts you, and suddenly calm down in embarrassment when you realise he has in fact ignored you entirely, walked off in the other direction, and been given a mortal pasting by a seven-foot tall, muscle-bound caveman with a beer-belly, arms like tree trunks, and a raging chainsaw.
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Post by modeski on Mar 29, 2006 2:36:31 GMT
Ironically enough, I now live in Croydon.
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Post by HStorm on Mar 29, 2006 19:51:19 GMT
Roydon (n) A man from Croydon, Australia, who croydons (q.v.) regularly in a high-activity croydoning area of Croydon, England.
Kettering (ptcpl v) Croydoning (q.v.) without moving your arms, because they were previously chainsawed off in the aftermath of north croydoning (q.v.).
Wendling (ptcpl v) Croydoning (q.v.) on your hands, because your legs were previously chainsawed off by an 11-year old kid in a hoodie as revenge for the last time you went south croydoning (q.v.).
Dorking (ptcpl v) Croydoning (q.v.), except to get away from some nerdy little runt with side-parted greasy hair and a book of 50's sci-fi stories in his pocket, all because he has a stretch of sellotape holding his NHS-issue spectacles together.
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Post by Naselus on Mar 30, 2006 9:24:01 GMT
Cheriton fitzpatrick (n) The hidden control screen in a Microsoft Operating System that, on discovery, has a checklist of options that will explain much to many a frustrated computer-owner e.g. "Piss me off in the middle of a game by chucking me back onto the desktop for no reason before I've had a chance to save", "Always reboot while running really awkward programs that will corrupt the hard drive if interrupted", and "Never accept a new hard drive without me having to take the entire PC apart at least four times to change the jumper settings." Actually, that screen's called MMC.
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Post by HStorm on Oct 14, 2007 7:34:12 GMT
Great barton (n) The uneasy, illusive feeling of rapid stomach growth throughout the duration of a barton upon humber (q.v. from page 1).
Marsh barton (n) The fiery, liquid pain in the colon, caused by the deffication that eventually follows a barton upon humber (q.v.).
Barton hill (n) The cacophony of moaning noises emanating from all public lavatories in the city centre, caused by an epidemic of bartons upon humber (q.v.) when a virulent tummy bug is doing the rounds.
Barton-on-sea (n) Attack of incontinence brought on by fear of an incontinence attack. Frequently happens in the aftermath of a public barton upon humber (q.v.).
Dumbarton (n) A man who thinks that if his wife is suffering from a barton upon humber (q.v.), she's likely to be feeling a bit frisky afterwards.
Barton stacey (n) A woman whose lucky dumbarton (q.v.) husband is right.
Poynder's end (n) Numbing affliction of the rectum brought on by excessive colonic irrigation. Considered a prime motivation for patients to undergo CI, or at least for the male celebrities.
Licky end (n) Any prison officer administrating for Jeffrey Archer.
Leekfrith (n) A hardwired, frothing-at-the-mouth anglophobe from a former part of the British Empire, with a surly loathing for England, its institutions, its way of life and its people, and an uncompromising desire to see the total failure and demise of the English in all they do, especially in the sporting arena, and yet whose favourite football teams are Manchester United and Arsenal. At the last count, Leekfriths make up approximately 94% of the population of the Irish Republic.
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