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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 11:30:56 GMT
In the irreverant spirit of Mod's Lunch thread, and to add a little much-needed light relief, I'm going to write a few fake news stories to put in here. Feel free to join me... it's a laugh, and it certainly isn't as much mucking about as writing an article.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 11:47:06 GMT
Moses signs transfer deal with Clapham FC
In an unexpected move this week, Hebrew centre-back Moses revealed he has signed a generous five-figure contract to join Clapham FC.
"Obviously, it'll be a shame to leave to old club", the dashing 4,000 year old prophet said at a press conference afterwards, "But I think it's becoming quite clear that Judaism is holding back my further career." He denied allegations of being dropped from the Hebrews main squad for losing five of the original fifteen commandments, and continued to refuse to comment on the 'cash for prophecies' scandal with Islamic Jihad.
The move has suprised industry insiders, who expected a move toward another major religion rather than a third-rate football team. John Motson commented "Well, obviously we were thinking he'd go over to Buddism United, but clearly their 'money is an illusion so we won't pay the transfer fees' policy counted against them."
When asked why he chose to bring in a semi-mythical figure who's entire early career is based on speaking to burning shubbery, as opposed to a professional footballer, Clapham's manager said "Oh shit, I thought he was a Brazilian International", and then rushed out of the room.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 12:02:09 GMT
Butlins bombed
In the latest move in the War against Tourism, US forces bombed Butlins on Monday.
"Tourism has long been a threat to all civilised nations, and it cannot be allowed to continue", Bush said in a speech somewhere or other a while ago. "Tourists from many countries in the Western World have been recieving training and ice-cream in Butlins camps, and now we want them to understand this will not be tolerated."
Butlins strongly deny allegations of harbouring tourism. A spokesman for the company claims "Tourism is about an enjoyable holiday somewhere in the sun. This is Skegness, for crying out loud."
Condoleeza Rice, upon hearing the denials, immediately responded by saying "Nahnahnahnah, can't hear you, can't hear you,", before dancing around the befuddled spokesman with her fingers in her ears and her tongue stuck out.
Internationally, the aggresive policy has caused great controversy.
"It's just bloody stupid," said one French delegate. "It's a holiday camp".
However, British Prime minister Tony Blair urged the public to wait before speaking out. "I'll bomb them now, but please, everyone, before criticizing our government consider that we can lock you up for almost nothing at all now. Get it? Get it, bitches?" Smoozed the purple-suited PM, before cruising away in his pimpmobile to find Starsky and Hutch.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 12:13:36 GMT
Tory candidates all lose Leadership vote
In a totally stunning result, it seems all the candidates have lost their bid to become the new Conservative leader.
"Well, obviously there's some kind of mistake. It's actually not possible." Said confounded Ken Clarke. "No, not me losing, everyone saw that coming; but I would have thought if no-one won it would at least be a draw."
When questioned as to how all four candidates managed to win fewer votes than their opponents, organisers at Conservative headquarters responed "Well, we don't know either. We've recounted three times, though, and they've all very definately been thrashed. Utterly thrashed."
When quized for his opinions, Labour Chancellor Gordon Brown laughed in a deep throaty voice, and said "Naba Solo chun Wookie!" before slapping his Twi'lek major-domo across the room and stuffing a frog-like creature into his mouth.
"Well, I blame David Davis's haircut" Liam Fox said at the emergency Party meeting called upon hearing the news. "He looks like a total pillock."
Fox then gave Davis a wedgie, followed by a dead arm. The two will be having a fight behind the newsagents after Parliament, tuesday afternoon.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 12:24:20 GMT
Cameron still unwilling to comment on drug usage
David Cameron still refuses to admit to taking class A drugs, just in case.
"Well, I'm not actually sure to be honest," The Conservative leadership hopeful told us Monday. "I was well wasted at the time, dude. We got these Canadian mushrooms, and I was like, yeah, totally, and then the dudes showed up with some brewskis and a half-ounce of crack, but I don't remember if I had any. "
"All I remember is waking up with my head in the toilet and my pants soaked in raw ether...", added Cameron.
Ken Clarke has spoken out over the issue, critisising the press. "Oh, piss off", the outspoke former Chancellor said. "Look, I know I'm going to lose, OK? Just leave me alone. I'm a total failure. Everyone hates me. Even Maggie only made me Chancellor because she didn't know who I was. I never wanted to be an MP. I wanted to be a lumberjack." He added, prior to being sued by lawyers representing Monty Python.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 12:32:10 GMT
Ken Clarke accused of communing with devil
In the latest storm of problems for the conservative leadership candidates, Ken Clarke on Monday refused to confirm or denied being a slave to the Lord of Darkness.
"For f**k's sake, leave me alone you bastard!" Howled Clarke when I approached him for the fifth time today. "Look, just sod off. I mean it. Please."
"What do you want of me?!?" He beseeched, then broke down in tears. It was very amusing to watch.
Clarke's refusal to comment on the allegations put to him about intimately and sexually loving Satan and all his Devils makes him the fourth candidate to avoid a difficult question, following Cameron's refusal to comment on drugs, Davis side-stepping over the issue of his stupid ugly haircut, and Fox's tight-lipped approach to questions about being a complete and total arse-head.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 12:38:16 GMT
Evil satan-worshiping Clarke violently assaults noble reporter of truth, justice and general good things
Violent anarchist Ken Clarke (old) today assaulted me (21), a reporter for the Critique website, after false accusations I was following him and being a right pain in the arse.
"Right, I've had it up to here with you", the oafish thug cried when I crawled into the bed he shares with his wife (not bad, but still old) at 4:21 this morning. "Come here, you little bastard!"
Clarke then proceeded to to dangle me from his third-storied bedroom window, and swore at me. Twice.
The 65-year old, who was a former front man for the failed pop group "Inland Revenue", has been connected with a subversive group known as The Conservative Party. The Tories, as they are known in the inner-city ghettos where they base themselves, actively admit that the want to bring down Britain's elected government as soon as possible, but luckily they seem too pants to do it.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 15:01:54 GMT
Al Gore sent back in Time
Former Vice President Al Gore was today sent back in time by old friend Bill Clinton today, in an effort to protect Clinton's mother from assassination at the hands of a Republican Party murder-robot known only as the Schwarzenegger.
Gore will arrive approximately 10 months prior to Clinton's birth, where upon he shall have to track down Ms Clinton before the deadly droid, and then protect her at all cost. He will arrive naked and unarmed, and must steal what he can to survive.
Former President Clinton has been targeted by the Republicans, who are believed to have unleashed a total of three such machines into the swirly vortex of time, each more deadly than the last, prior to the fall of their robotic nightmare dystopia last Friday.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 16:06:29 GMT
God releases final book in Bible trilogy
Following the rip-roaring success of the Bible series, God today came forward to reveal his new novel, The XXX Testament.
"I've gone for a more adult audience with this one," Boomed the voice of the almighty from the heavens this afternoon. "I mean, the bible was good, but I think I can really crack the Californian market with this one."
The new book concerns God's daughter, Pussy Foxshafter, and the adventures she has in Soho's steamy underground brothels in the late 1960's. God denies rumours that this may cause a falling out with the Chairman of his fanclub, Pope Benedict XVI, who apparently 'strongly urged' that Pussy's career be kept out of the public eye.
"I'm proud of all my children," said God. "And I'll not have that prood try and hush up my little girl."
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 16:14:45 GMT
Blair admits mistake in Iraq war
In an unprecedented move today, Tony Blair admitted making a blunder in the invasion of Iraq.
"Frankly, we've thought about it, and really we think the only thing, the decent thing, and the proper thing to do, should be, understandably, simply coming clean, in a figurative sense, and admitting we were wrong to invade Iraq, " said the hip-hop legend. "We meant Iran", added the premier.
According to sources from within Downing Street, the entire mix-up was caused by the outgoing Conservative Government swapping the letters 'q' and 'n' on the downstairs typewriter at number 10. As a result, Blair has recalled all correspondence from his London home since 1997, to be re-written correctly.
"Everything we said about Iraq was wrong. It's about Iran, obviously. We're sorry for the inconvenience, everyone, and we'll get everything back on track ASAP. After all, we know for sure that Iran has weapoqs of mass destructioq.", claimed Chelsea football star and Deputy Prime Minister John Prescotti.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 16:19:06 GMT
Ken Clarke has mental breakdown
Claiming he was being constantly pestered and stalked by a mysterious web-based reporter, Ken Clarke was admitted to a plush inner-city mental home yesterday.
"You! Yooooooooouu! NOOOOOOOOOO!", said Clarke, throwing his plastic spoon at me and crying until a nurse came and pumped his arm full of morphine.
When asked to comment, Mrs Clarke reminded us of the restraining order she had placed upon our reporter, and we were forced to shout at her from 300 yards down the road for the rest of the day.
It is not believed that being driven to a complete mental and nevous breakdown will have any effect on Clarke's chances of becoming Tory leader.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 16:29:20 GMT
Hawking tells world 'Physics is a big pile of poo'
In a stunning statement yesterday, acclaimed genius Stephen Hawking told the press that quantuum physics 'Is a big pile of poo, really."
The robotically-voice marvel then proceeded to tell all that Einstein was 'a wally', Isaac Newton 'had no dick', and J. Robert Openheimer, inventor of the Atomic Bomb, was 'a big gay bear'.
Then Hawking went on to reveal that he has now proven the universe has the same shape, size and consistancy as a plastic ruler someone has just slapped against a table, producing a humorous 'ba-doiiiiiiiiiiing' noise. When pressed as to how this could be true, has had an assistant come in with a long equation in greek letters that looked very convincing indeed, before announcing he was quiting science altogether to become a train driver.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 17, 2005 16:42:54 GMT
Michael Howard to leave Tories for career in politics
Following his decision to step down as Leader of the Conservative party, Michael Howard has now announced he's leaving the party altogether in the hopes of "getting into politics".
"Well, obviously I never really knew or cared that much about politics before," gushed the excited female underwear model. "But during the last general election, I saw some of those adverts to get people voting, and I thought 'hey, I could really make a difference!'"
However, when quized about it, Prime Minister Tony 'Huggie' Blair cast doubts upon Howards chances in the big leagues. "Sheet, nigger", jived the PM after a hearty toke on his reefer, "That papa sack don't know jack. Mah homie's toss his salad and smoke his ass!"
"A'ight?" added the premier.
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Post by HStorm on Oct 17, 2005 17:20:54 GMT
They really don't give you enough to do at work, do they...?
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Post by Naselus on Oct 18, 2005 7:52:12 GMT
It's been a slow week.
Student selling Socialist worker unable to see inherent irony of situation
White-collar middle-class student Thomas Whitby was yesterday spotted selling copies of the Socialist Worker, without even the slightest hint of irony.
Whitby (21), who got the job to raise extra money in addition to spreading the word of the evils caused by capitalism, seems blissfully unaware of the contradicitions implied by the situation, and may only have become a staunch arch-communist revolutionary over the last three weeks, following reports that two hot chicks are 'like, totally into' the redistribution of wealth via the workers gaining ownership of the means of production.
It is assumed that Whitby will return to his bourgeoisie roots next week, when he learns hot chicks Sam (20) and Jenny (19, bisexual) are far more into guys who own cars.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 18, 2005 8:16:18 GMT
New Jesus video 'mocks Marilyn Manson'
The new music video released by hit band 'Jesus and the Prophets' this week has come under fire for 'mocking Marilyn Manson'.
The outcry, from much of Satanic-belt middle America, is caused over scenes in the video showing Jesus nailed to a cross, and at one point wearing a silly hat. This has lead to numerous death threats, and a general call to cancel upcoming tour dates.
Jesus, upon hearing of the outrage, was stunned. "But I was nailed to the tree first,", exclaimed the aging rocker. "And as for getting these death threats... well, it's a bit late now, isn't it?!"
Manson himself is reported to be 'unmoved' by the video.
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Post by ringmasterrob on Oct 18, 2005 10:13:08 GMT
Elections Outlawed under Anti-terror Legistlation
New terror laws were announced by the Home Secretary outlawing what he called the latest security threat, general elections.
In a statement to press yelled from a third floor window Mr Clarke said, "Well the obvious threat is that if enough Conservative voters, I'm sorry terrorists, were able to infiltrate our voting system we might not win. We know these thought criminals plan to strike at some point in the next four to five years and they must be stopped! They could tear our government apart and you don't want that, do you?" At this point men in black suits ushered us away adding we'd be killed to bits if we told anyone.
Under new laws elections will be prevented until what Tony Blair describes as 'a national crisis' has passed. This law is the final in a series of anti-terror laws under Blair's "Tough on freedom of expression, tough on the causes of Civil Liberties" stance. When the new law comes into force later this day, assuming the Lords recieved their kickbacks in time, it will be completely illegal to criticise New Labour. The opposition have yet to respond as they were last seen being ushered into a windowless, black transit van...
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Post by Naselus on Oct 18, 2005 10:38:53 GMT
That's the spirit!
Blair discovers longeviety vaccine; declare self president for (eternal) life.
Emerging from a green-smoke filled laboratory yesterday, Jivemaster of Funk Tony Blair (prime minister) revealed that he has found the secret of ever-lasting youth.
"Muhahahahahahahah! It worked! IT WORKED!!!!!" japed the merry premier, before a terrible coughing fit wracked his frail cumbling old body. "Now I can renounce your Gods and claim my birthright as the Undying King!"
The delighted premier then grooved past his ranks of desicated zombie servants to a press conference, where he announced that he shall now take the name Dracul 'huggie' Blair, and all shall be as night in his new Eternal Kingdom of Darkness and Pain.
Upon hearing the news, Gordon Brown boomed angrily in Huttese, roughly translated by his protocol droid interpreter as "Oh bugger, now I'll never get to number 10."
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Post by Naselus on Oct 18, 2005 11:10:33 GMT
Charles Kennedy hunted after rampage
Charles Kennedy, leader of The Liberal Democrats, is today being hunted after a terrifying rampage of violence and aggression, Monday.
Kennedy was giving a speech at approximately 3:15 PM on Monday, when he became deeply upset about broken Labout election pledges.
"It just makes me SO ANGRY," he gushed in rage, "You won't like me when I'm angry. Raaaah!" He screamed, throwing back his head, and his eyes turning bright emerald. Kennedy then proceeded to swell to three times his normal size, change colour to a pleasing pea-green shade, and lose all his clothing save for his vastly streched trousers.
The normally aimiable MP then smashed up the entire area, ignoring feeble attempts by the Armed Forces to try and prevent the devestation, and then disappeared following a huge jump across the town.
If you have any information regarding Mr Kennedy's whereabouts, please ring your local police station immediately.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 18, 2005 11:41:19 GMT
MacDonalds deny dangerous food rumours
Following numerous rumours over potentially dangerous food recently, on Tuesday MacDonalds released a statement.
"It's not dangerous, and we don't know why anyone would say that. We're going to keep selling it and telling people it's good for them until someone comes back with conclusive proof it isn't. And then we're going to sue the bugger who does that."
The controversy arises over the new McNukie burgers, which MacDonalds say help reduce obesity in 95% of cases. Made with prime Chernobyl beef, lettuce from Nagasaki, two thin-cut slices of enriched Uranium 235, and some plasticky stuff that is laughably called 'cheese', the meals were criticized as being 'pure radiation', and 'actually really, really f**k**g lethal. Do you understand what I mean? People will DIE eating these." by nutritionists worldwide, until MacDonalds published it's threat.
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Post by HStorm on Oct 18, 2005 18:05:05 GMT
Death, War, Famine, Economic Chaos, Blood, Rivers Of Death, Forest Fires, Earthquakes, Irreparable Damage To The Climate And Atmosphere, Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Recession, Depression, Military Incompetence, Political Sleaze, Sex Scandals, Religious Turmoil, Humanitarian Dilemmas, Death, War, Famine...
...and now over to Diane with the weather.
Oh sorry, it's supposed to be made-up news, isn't it? I'll try harder next time.
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Post by Naselus on Oct 18, 2005 18:06:52 GMT
www.foxnews.comThat was a whole lot less typing for a whole lot more made-up news.
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Post by ringmasterrob on Oct 19, 2005 7:47:10 GMT
New Candidate Announced in Tory Leadership Race
It was announced today by Conservative HQ that a new candidate plans to stand for the party in the leadership elections. The new candidate has been named as former Defence Secretary turned backbencher Darth Vader, MP for Kensington and Chelsea. This news comes as a shock to many Tory MPs who seemed to think it was too late for submissions.
In a statement to the press Conservative HQ said, "Mr Vader WILL be standing, this is not the Party HQ you are looking for, move along."
Mr Vader is a surprise candidate in the election and his affiliation with an evil empire is expected to make him unpopular with the electorate. When asked to comment on said evil empire Mr Vader said, "Oh come on! It's time to move on from the Thatcher era! It was 15 years ago for God's sake!" Before strangling our reporter from a significant distance.
Due to his hardline stance on Europe and general hatred of freedom Mr Vader is expected to be popular amongst the Tory right wingers who have already lined up to throw their weight behind him. At one point it was speculated that Vader may run when Mrs Thatcher resigned but opted out due to ill health and third degree chaffing. The next round of voting is scheduled for Thursday after Ken Clarke was evicted in the first round, after a tearful farewell to his fans he said, "Oh well, I guess my solo career was never meant to be..." before spying a Critique reporter and hurling himself into some shrubbery.
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Post by ringmasterrob on Oct 19, 2005 8:41:05 GMT
ID Card Scheme ScrappedLabour MPs saw sense yesterday and scrapped the long running farce that is the ID cards bill. Instead they proposed a reissue of all Blockbuster Video cards and added they would be offering free membership to everyone in the country. "The new Blockbuster cards will be fantastic!" Said one enthusiastic Labour MP, "they'll have all your biometrics and data on so you can rent the latest films with minimal hassle. Of course you'll be required to carry them at all times, erm in case you suddenly encounter a Blockbuster and need to rent a video at short notice..." A spokesman for Blockbuster was unavailable to comment, having been found dead from an apparent heart attack ten minutes before he was due to make a stateent. A new spokesman, bearing a striking resemblance to Charle Clarke, issued a statement on the company's behalf. "Moviegoers, Blockbuster wholly supports the government's new scheme and suggests you all vote Labour, I know I will..." To get your new Blockbuster ID Card simply send a stamped envolope with your details and a full set of biometrics to 'Blockbuster Video Labour Party HQ London PO BOX 12' or visit the website www.homeoffice.gov.uk/idcards/blockbuster/
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Post by ringmasterrob on Oct 19, 2005 8:58:45 GMT
Saddam Tops Singles Chart
It's the comeback nobody predicted but, after a two year absence from the music scene chart-topper Saddam Hussein is back at the top of the charts. Saddam [68] was a constant chart presence between 1979 and 2003 with such memorable number one hits as the holiday song 'We're going to Tikrit-a!' and 'Ba-ath House Boogie'.
His popularity was at its peak during the mid 1980s with the international hit 'Secret United States Backer'. Despite the failure of his 1990 album, "Songs from the Gulf" which was critically panned he remained a strong musical presence throughout the 1990s until his career began to slump in 2003. After being knocked off the Iraqi top spot by 'Coalition of the Willing's' novelty hit '(Let's all go on a) Regime Change' he announced a hiatus.
Now though it seems he is making a comeback bid with a cover version of the classic Elvis hit, 'Jailhouse Rock' and has said a new album 'Moral Implications' will follow. When asked for comment Saddam remained defiant, "It's been a difficult couple of years but I'm determined to show the music business I've still got what it takes."
Saddam's new record label, Death Row Records have said that a live tour 'The Trial '05' will take place this November. Seats are already filling up and the Middle Eastern leg of the tour is sold out.
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