The made-up News thread!

[HStorm]

Just In... Vader-Withdraws Shocker

Further to our earlier announcement of Conservative MP for Tattooine and Corellia South, Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, Master of the Imperial fleet, and Heir to the Duchy of Sutton Coldfield's Royal Privies, choosing to stand for the Tory leadership; since the bulletin began, it has now emerged that he has withdrawn from the race, in response to fresh allegations made against him about illegal weapons dealing. This scandal, already being dubbed in some parts of the press as "The-lightsabres-to-Iraq" affair, may also implicate defeated leadership candidate, Kenneth Clarke, who, it has been noted, is never seen in the same room as Emperor Palpatine. His former colleague Michael Portillo, speaking on This Week on Thursday, is quoted as saying, "The bags under his eyes are a dead giveaway."

[Naselus]

Moses given six month ban

In sporting news, it seems the Prophet Moses has been given a six month ban from FIFA over a failed drugs test.

"Look, I just don't want to talk about it, OK?" exclaimed the chosen of God. "We all make mistakes from time to time."

The prophet, who has recently been feared to be 'going off the rails' since he was romantically linked with Kate Moss, refused to comment any further on the matter.

It is uncertain how this will effect his chances of playing in the World Cup. Jehova, chief deity of the Judaism team, said merely "Obviously we'd like to play him in the qualifiers, but until he sorts his head out we're just going to have to say no. It's not good for team moral, I mean, Jacob won't even speak to him when he's like this. It's just sad when such a talented religious figure just goes bad like this."

[Naselus]

Bush invades United States

After months of political tension, President Bush today announced plans for the US to invade other parts of itself.

"My fellow Americans," the self-proclaimed 'War President' said, Wednesday, "The time has come for decisive action. No longer can we allow the United States to continue with it's campaign of unbridled aggression against us. I call for a War against America!"

The move has been widely supported on the International scene, with almost all countries pledging troops and supplies to aid the US in it's efforts to destroy itself. The precise nature of the threat from America has not yet been qualified, but it is assumes that they have nuclear, biological and chemical weapons, and their arms spending continues to match that of itself for the 230th year running.

[Naselus]

European space program, "Let's just fire some money at the sun"

In an effort to save money and time, the European Space Agency today announced plans for it's latest project.

"Well, since nothing we ever send into space works, we've decided not to bother with all that sensory equipment," said an inside source. "Instead, we're just going to fill a canister up with our budget and fire it into the sun. It'll save disappointment in the long term."

The ESA, which has never had anything even approaching a successful mission, is optimistic about this one.

"It's not like anything can really go wrong. We just need a big gun an a pot full of cash."

[Naselus]

Hurricane Wilma 'fat', claims Katrina

In showbiz news, Hurricane Katrina today launched a scathing attack on up-coming starlet Hurricane Wilma.

"She so fat, she don't need no Godamn category five storm to break flood defences," Raged the previous storm. "All she got she copied from me!"

Katrina, who was a big hit in New Orleans this summer, before fading into obscurity on the national stage, denies the bust-up has anything to do with Wilma's nacient love affair with co-star Hurricane Stan.

"Stan? I'll give you Hurricane Stan. That bitchass couldn't even get big in Mexico!"

When asked to comment on the rising spat, old favorite the San Andraes fault line declined to bother, saying merely "Hell, I don't want to get into that who East-coast-West-coast thang. We all know who the real disaster in the US is."

[EDIT: Corrected tagging error.]

[Naselus]

Cat alive and dead, Experts baffled

Experts reported utter amazement on Thursday at a cat that was apparently both alive AND dead, simultaneously, as long as it remained in a small sealed box.

"Until the wave form is collapsed by an outside observer witnessing the living and or dead status of the animal, quantuumly speaking it contains both properties!" Gushed a dull old fart in a beige cardigan, much to the confusion of everyone else in the room. "Indeed, until the nature of the cat's existence is definitively ascertained through direct and total empirical data, the cat is not merely alive and dead, but it may or may not have been never there at all!"

When approached, the cat declined to comment.

[Naselus]

Area priest discovers leaving Catholicism not so easy

Father Lewis Dresham found that leaving the Roman Catholic church is not as easy as it seems, Monday.

"Well, after my Country and Western career took off, I felt that the cloth was no longer for me," despaired the beefy bachelor, "and it was then that I started having the trouble."

According to Mr. Dresham, upon filing his resignation with the bishop, he began receiving anonymous phone calls.

"Well, obviously now I know it was the Silent order of St. Sebastian trying to warn me against leaving," Lewis admitted. "But it was frightening at the time."

Then, large groups of priests began gathering at the back of sermons and humming loudly to distract him. After the first few instances, Lewis was then threatened by two particularly burly abbots.

"Well, they never said anything directly, it was more 'lovely parish, this. Be a shame if it burned down with you in your bed, tied up and beaten to a bloody pulp, eliminating all evidence that we'd violently chastised you'," Lewis whinged. " And now it's this," he added, showing us the terrible wounds on his hands and feet.

According to Lewis, the Stigmata first appeared overnight on Wednesday, along with a note in lamb's blood signed by God himself, saying simply 'Do not leave my church, you bastard. And keep your mouth shut.'.

"It's getting so I'm scared to go outside for fear of lightening bolts," said Lewis. "I just can't take it any more."

[HStorm]

Oil Deposits Discovered In Florida

Prospectors yesterday announced that a large deposit of oil has been detected below Disneyland in Florida, totalling nearly 3 billion barrels.

Today, in a completely unrelated announcement, President George W. Bush issued a statement of condemnation against Disneyland, declaring that he had strong evidence from intelligence services indicating that the Arab-born Supreme Dictator of the country, General Miqi Duq, was trying to aquire the materials needed for constructing weapons of mass destruction, and that if this practise does not cease forthwith, military repercussions may follow. Mr Bush suddenly stopped talking when the vice-President Richard Cheney was seen by lip-readers to whisper in his hear, "We don't need to, sir, they're not a country."

Also today, former Ba'athist dictator Saddam Hussein, still hopeful of resuming his role as ruler of his country, made a statement to the effect that, historically, Disneyland is part of Iraq.

[Naselus]

Blair commisions giant pyramid

Huggy Blair the Everliving today declared his intentions to build the greatest pyramid this world has ever seen, to aid his journey into the afterlife.

"As my mortal subjects, I believe it is of tantamount importance that we arrange a death monument worthy of my achievements," said the EU president. "If I am to stand by the side of Almighty Ra, the Sun God, then I must be honoured as a living God in my time."

The Pyramid, to stand 5,000 feet tall, will be constructed by the labours of over 150,000 Tory slaves, and two Labour party Whips. Within, Blair shall be entombed in his burial vestments, along with the entire Cabinet.

"What!" said John Prescotti, after a cracking 43rd minute goal against Spurs. "I'm not being stuck in some sodding tomb for that pillock!", added the proud fat man.

As expected, the Conservatives have condemned the move. Ken Clarke explained "Oh God, leave me alone! You're not real! YOU'RE NOT REAL!!!!!" before wetting himself and then making a phone call to a kind man known only as Steve, who comforted him in his hour of need.

[Naselus]

David Davis' new breast implants 'biggest yet'

In a shock move that he claims has nothing to do with the Tory Leadership race, David Davis emerged with what experts have called "fabulous f**k**g tits!"

The 88-treble F cup breasts that Davis has had surgically implanted onto his chest are "A private and personal matter, which have nothing to do with my politics", according to the MP. "They have no effect on my policies, my leadership abilities, or anything else other than my ability to stand up straight, for that matter."

He also scoffed at reports that the vast boobs were potentially dangerous for his health.

Jordan, when asked to comment, said that Davis was a 'common slag' and 'still has an ugly face', no matter how large his mammary glands have become.

[Naselus]

God Arrested on terrorism charges

In Manhattan, at approximately 4:24 this moring, God himself was arrested on terrorism chargesunder the Patriot act.

"This is ridiculous. I'm not a terrorist! Sure, I know a few people, but everyone does! Especially me!" declared the omniscient and omnipotent deity. "This is fascism!"

In a statement today, President Bush declared "This is a major victory for freedom, and for America. God has been linked to terror since the very begining of time, and is surely at the root of all these acts. We shall continue to hold him in custody until he admits to these assaults against freedom!"

God refused to comment on his alledged ally, a Mr. Lucifer, who may be actively behind the corruption on humanity from blissful innocence.

[Naselus]

Bush stabbed in Senate

Upon returning to Washington from his successful campaigns in Mesopotamia, President Bush was brutally stabbed upto 37 times by a conspiracy of plotters, yesterday.

"Et tu, Billy?" the belligured chief executive cried, as Senate Majority lead Bill Frist landed the final blows.

Bush was warned earlier this month to beware the ides of October, but he poo-pooed such talk following his elevation to the rank of Imperiator last June. A full whitewash into the affair is to be held next year, once the CIA has finished covering everything up properly.

[Naselus]

Blair and Kinnock duel aboard Death Star

Following the capture of the Millenium Dome by the Death Star on Tuesday, Neil Kinnock and Tony Blair fought a desperate lightsabre duel, as the left-wing reminants of the Labour Party tried to flee yesterday.

"Now the circle is complete," Drawled the PM of soul. "When I left you, I was but the Shadow Home Secretary, But now I am Prime minister."

"Only a prime minister with a significantly reduced majority since the last election, Tony" rejoined the earty Kinnock. "Strike me down, and I shall become more left-wing than you can possibly remember!"

In the ensuing battle, Kinnock was indeed struck down, but he still regards this as a better point in his life that the humiliating and premature "Oh, Yeah! Oh, Yeah!" victory speech he gave at the 1992 general election.

[Naselus]

Bush nominates favorite horse for Supreme Court

Following the failure of his previous nomination to Supreme court justice, President Bush has brought forward a nomination for his favorite horse, Sandy.

"I am confident that Sandy is entirely qualified for the duties and demands of the job," Gushed Bush in yet another boring statement. "More importantly, I'm am completely assured by advisors that this will surely distract from my awful record as president."

Critics of the move include almost the entire Senate. Republican and Democrat alike have condemned Sandy's record, citing his poor teeth and lazy eye.

"It's quite clear that Sandy is a pro-choice liberal,", wept hard-right Senator Joseph Goebels. "He never once condemned anything, as far as I recall."

Sandy declined to comment, possibly due to her crippling fear of glue.

[Naselus]

Controvesy over new openly daemonic bishop

The Anglican church was threaten by another schism yesterday, following the controversial consicration of the first openly-daemonic bishop.

Bishop Zangthu the Vile, despite not being able to set foot in a house of God without instantly bursting into righteous flames, was appointed to his post by the Archbishop of Canterbury. However, many other Anglican bishops have been critical of the move.

"He eats babies. No, he REALLY DOES eat babies. It's his purpose in life. He's a sodding devil, for Christ sake," said one.

Zangthu downplays his previous demonism. "None of us can help how we're born," hissed the forked-tongued beast, as he fed upon a virgin's broken form. "Merely because I was spawned within the pits of Satan's backside, does not mean I do not heed the words of God."

[ringmasterrob]

Horror as Tory Leadership Debate Turns Relevant

Fury was sparked within the Conservative party after Tory leadership candidate David Davis discussed an actual policy on a radio debate. Mr. Davis, believing the interview had ended, discussed his spending plans with the programme’s host for 45 seconds before the transmission was cut. His main opponent David Cameron spoke out against the move whilst eating his dinner, “Well it’s absolutely shocking really. David’s really let the side down, we were hoping to avoid any traces of relevance until the next General Election. Now we’ll actually have to think up some policies people like, which are simply not what the Tory party is about.”

The leadership contest, which began at this year’s Tory party conference, had up until yesterday totally avoided any actual political issues. Mr. Cameron has managed to sidetrack most relevant questions due to a row about whether or not he had ever taken sugar in his tea. Mr. Davis had been taking a lead in the polls after standing on a soapbox and yelling “Look at me! I’m working class!” and both candidates were praised for a particularly nonsensical discussion about underwear on BBC Radio’s women’s hour. Now however the contest has been thrown into disarray as the public have begun asking questions related to political issues. On a BBC programme this morning David Cameron, when asked about the Terror Bill, burst into tears and had to be given counseling. What began as an innocent remark about spending plans now threatens to destroy David Davis’ campaign completely.

[ringmasterrob]

Ancient Art Form Rediscovered

Last Wednesday it was announced that a lost art form had been discovered in the heart of Westminster. 'Parliamentary Democracy' believed to have been lost for at least eight years was unearthed by a brave expedition of rebel MPs.

In an earlier statement one such MP said, "Well the government announced a bill we didn't really like and at a dinner party the other day I mentioned to my colleagues that I thought the bill was stupid. One of them suggested we voted against it and before we knew it we were all planning a rebellion. Voting against bills we don't like had never occurred to us before, it's amazing."

The move has received widespread critical acclaim, Gordon Brown called the Prime Minister's defeat 'The funniest moment of the year, absolutely hilarious' and the Tory Party said 'Opposing the government? Brilliant! Wish we'd thought of that.' But not everyone is thrilled by the find, Prime Minister, High Fuhrer of Sedgefield and Super-Fly Guy Huggy Blair was later seen mowing down rebel MPs in his pimpmobile as they left Westminster.

It is expected that parliamentary democracy may experience a revival, with concepts such as civil liberties benefiting while government tyranny was yesterday at its lowest level in 8 years. The defeat has sparked speculation that Blair should resign because he’s ‘shite’ and ‘an absolute disgrace’. More on this story as it develops.

[Naselus]

Labour party beaten by Green Bay Packers in terrorism law finals

In a thrilling game of Parliament last week, Huggy Blair's cabinet were defeated 60-56 by the Green Bay Packers, losing the coveted anti-terror legislation bowl.

While the Labour Party were ahead going into the third quarter, the Packers quickly began to dominate. Charles Clarke's defensive line proved helpless to stop the Packer's aggressive running game, and were unable to stop a last-minute touchdown that swung the vote.

Blair was 'disappointed' by the result, but optimistic about the future. "There's always next year', hummed the funkmeister general. "Oooooooh, Ch'mon." he added.

[Naselus]

David Blunkett invited to join Tory Leadership race

In yet another desperate attempt to find absolutely anyone other than the available candidates, the Tory party today invited David Blunkett to be their leader.

"He's corrupt, undemocratic and has no respect for the rules of government." sai an excited Liam Fox. "Really, the only better candidate we could hope for would be Blair himself."

Blunkett has yet to comment on the invitation, presumably because it was delivered in writing.

[ringmasterrob]

God Resigns

In a widely anticipated move the leader of the Christian church and creator of all life, God, resigned from his position in the early hours of this morning. Mr. God had been under pressure to resign due to declining support for his party amongst the populace. He has been blamed for not doing enough to prevent recent natural disasters from occuring and for failing to answer atheists questioning of his existence. Plus fresh controversy arose over his alleged misuse of office to harass Father Lewis Dresham. His resignation has triggered speculation over who could replace God, who has held his position since the Earth constituency was created at the beginning of time. The most popular candidate is his son and right hand man Jesus Christ but at 2005years of age many percieve him as an old fashioned left winger out of touch with the public opinion. Moderate candidate St. Peter has announced he will be running with his excellent record of heavenly service hoping to win the votes of undecided Christians.

When questioned on his resignation God was told that by admitting fault he was admitting he was not all knowing and perfect and therefore not a god. His response was swift and brutal, our hearts go out to all those lost in the resulting lightning bolt storm. God will remain on in a caretaker role until 25th December when a new leader is likely to be chosen, spectators have said that the date (Jesus’s birthday) is a subtle way of God indicating Jesus as his preference candidate. Candidates have until Friday to announce they will be running and the first round of voting begins next Wednesday. For now though Church leaders are counting the cost of replacing all statues, stained glass and holy books that will become outdated once the new leader is in place.

[ringmasterrob]

Satan Announces Candidacy

The lord of all evil and ruler of hell, Satan, a former ally of God has announced he will be running on a far right ticket. He joins others who have already announced their candidacy, including Jesus Christ, St. Peter and Judas Escariot. He was questioned on whether he believes his candidacy will split the right wing vote with Judas running, “Don’t be stupid! Judas is a mere mortal and I am the lord of all evil!” he said whilst torching a box of kittens. Satan’s policies include privatising heaven, cutting taxes for the rich and the extermination of all good. These policies are expected to prove especially popular with the US electorate who feel they need a less right wing alternative to the current administration.

[Naselus]

Pope pledges support for Hitler to get top job

In a move everyone saw coming, ex-nazi ultra-right-winger Pope Benedict XVI has come out in support for Adolf Hitler to be made God.

Benedict, who's much-publicised bust-up with previous Divine ruler Jehova stunned collegues and infernal foes alike, briefly considered going for the big man's job himself, before plumping for his old idol Adolf.

Hitler, meanwhile, has categorically stated that he will NOT be running independantly, and will simply be aiming for the post of Vice-God on the St. Peter ticket.

[Naselus]

Religious Right lobby to repeal second law of Thermodynamics

Protests continued across much of the Southern USA yesterday as conservative Christians appealed against the controversial Second Law of Thermodynamics.

The law, which states that everything tends toward entropy and decay, has proved deeply unpopular with the religious right in America, and the Bush administration has come under further pressure to nullify it.

However, proponants of Thermodynamics remain optimistic. Stanford Physicist Jeff Reyolds told us "It's not something that could seriously be repealed. This would effect everything, from gasolene prices to light escaping from the Sun. It's that fundamental to our way of life."

However, Rev. John Bigot of the Kentucky State Churchgoers Association ignores such sentiments. "They tell us that we can't change this, that it's too important, that we don't understand. Well, trhat's what they said about abortion!!"

When asked to comment, Dr Reynolds simply replied "He's an idiot."

[Naselus]

Jesus 'strongly denies' loving you

In a suprise statement at break time, yesterday, Jesus Christ 'strongly denied' loving you.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I just don't see our relationship that way," the 33 year-old carpenter announced. "I see us more as friends, or possibly even just people who've never met, separated by 2,000 years of turbulent history and violence carried out in my name. That's just how it is."

When pressed, he revealed "Well, I don't really know you, do I? I mean, I wouldn't say I hate you or anything. I just don't feel that strongly about you either way."

However, after repeated taunting with the humiliating 'Kissin in a tree' song, Jesus finally cracked and admitted he DID love Jenny from 11P. The two are now rumoured to be going out.

[Naselus]

bin Laden releases keenly-awaited B-sides album


Fans and critics alike showered praise on controversial super-star Osama bin Laden this morning, as he revealed a new set of b-sides and covers on Al-Jazeera.

A spokesman for the aging nemesis of the west told us "Well, obviously not everything we do gets released. I mean, you can't expect a top-notch rant about the evils of the Great Satan every time. But we thought the fans might like it."

Included in the double-CD is a selection of cover-rants, such as Osama performing Churchill's 'Fight them on the beaches' speech, and a rare live version of the 'Winter of Discontent' from Richard III.

"Well, those were just a bit of fun, really," quoth the spokesman. "I mean, the Richard III one is from the real early days, back when we were touring Afghanistan during the Soviet invasion."

"It's just our way of giving a little something back." he added. Osama is going on a world tour, next month.