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Post by ringmasterrob on Nov 22, 2005 11:08:29 GMT
Home Office Statistics 'Worrying' Say Experts
Worrying new Home Office statistics draw some worrying conclusions that worried experts have described as 'really quite worrying'. The figures, published yesterday, could have worrying implications for the nation if their meaning has been correctly interpreted.
When asked about the statistic, Professor Sir John Lloyd, PhD said, "Well we're all very worried, these statistics give serious cause for concern and I think it's very clear what action needs to be taken." Professor John, a former Grand National winner, proceeded to elaborate with worrying statistics, "Well yesterday panic level was around 48%, fairly average for modern day Britain, but after this figures were published the level has shot up to around 61%! People are over 10% more concerned today and that's before these figures have had chance to sink in!"
The Home Office was keen to dismiss fears about the report, issuing the following statement, "This is nothing to be concerned about, it's a totally normal occurrence that has been on a steady rise for the last 6 years. We have fully anticipated these statistics and their implications." However this statement has done little to ease fears, at lunchtime today panic level was recorded at 63% and an increase in suicides was described as 'fatal'. It seems that these statistics really are something to worry about.
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Post by Naselus on Nov 22, 2005 12:10:01 GMT
Miss Lovely Legs deposes judges, declares self miss lovely legs for life
In a brutal coup today, Ms Hannah Barkman of Essex, crowned miss lovely legs at Butlins, deposed the panel of Judges and declared herself Miss Lovely Legs for life.
As yet, it's unclear precisely what happened in the competition, however disturbing images of the judges decapitaion have been released. Ms Barkman, who's coup enjoys full US support, seems to have set up a military Junta with herself at the head, and has ruthlessly crushed all opposition within the Butlins borders.
She then proceeded to close the borders, ban go-karting, and recruit the entire Stongest Man team into her KGB-style secret service. One of the cornerstones of her new police state is the annexation of a nearby Haven holiday camp, who's Miss Lovely Legs "has no valid claim to the throne".
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Post by Naselus on Nov 22, 2005 12:18:16 GMT
Blair "Must paint" lovely Lithuanian Ambassador
Huggy Blair yesterday stunned critics and supporters alike by insisting the lovely Lithuanian Ambassador, Maggie Proops, must pose for him.
"Daaaaaaaamn, bitch, yo' gonna split my wick", rapped the PMC. "I must paint yo' ass."
"Girl, yo' fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine", he added, before gesticulating at his crotch.
Should Ms Proops accept, she will be the first woman ever to allow Blair to paint her, sparking controversy as to the state of the Soulminister's marriage. Blair himself dismissed such talk, claiming "I may screw the pooches but I only got one bitch." As yet, no-one's completely sure what that's supposed to mean.
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Post by Naselus on Nov 22, 2005 12:27:42 GMT
Bush's door always open, Carpenter called
Following unnerving reports that President Bush's door is always open, concerned White house officials yesterday brought in a team of Carpenters to solve the issue.
The Al-Faqar carpenters, recently moved to Washington from a cave in Afghanistan, are led by CEO Osama Lad binen, under the catchy motto of 'Cheaper prices, quality service, and the elimination of the infidel's woodwork problems.'. Apparently, not only did they fix the Presidents poorly-balanced door, but the also replaced his desk with a new, larger one, with a built in semtex clock.
Bush said he was 'delighted' with the new desk, but was even more pleased when the merry craftsmen offered the whole package free of charge. "It was like they just wanted to get the job done and get the hell out of there,", quiped the merry chimpanzee-man. "These are the kind of A-rabs I can really appreciate."
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Post by ringmasterrob on Dec 12, 2005 13:34:20 GMT
Survey finds optimism in Iraq
A survey conducted by the newly established Iraq Ministry of Truth revealed the location of optimism in Iraq. Optimism has been virtually non-existent in the ravaged nation since late 2001, but the ministers conducting the poll announced to the press that they have tracked down the elusive concept. "Well it was difficult, at one point we feared it may have been accidentally shot by the coalition troops but fortunately that's not the case."
It seems that optimism was able to escape the fall of Baghdad and it was taken in by Ba-ath rebels but it was in poor shape and gradually weakened following the capture of Saddam. Earlier this year it fled and was found in a disheveled state by US troops this week. Unfortunately optimism was blinded by white phosphorous and now remains optimistic about the war in Iraq, it was quoted in a statement as saying 'I'm sure that it'll all be over by Christmas!' Elsewhere blind faith was reported to be in hiding somewhere in the Vatican.
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Post by Naselus on Dec 21, 2005 13:25:45 GMT
Bush insistant Sunderland winning Premiership
Despite his team only having one victory all season, President Bush announced that he was confident that Sunderland would win the Premiership this year.
"Sunderland have been performing an excellent service in the Premiership, and I assure you that they WILL win the Premiership,", the famed halfwit declared on Tuesday. "Sure, they've suffered a few setbacks, but with the support of our third-division allies, I am confident that Sunderland AFC will stablize the situation."
When it was pointed out that Sunderland, who have only earned 5 points across 17 games, were likely to be relegated at the end of the season, Bush was adamant.
"For Sunderland to be relegated to the 1st division at the end of this season would be akin to admitting defeat in the region. I will not allow that to happen until the Premiership is capable of supporting itself."
Huggy Blair then removed his lips from the president's backside just long enough to pledge his full support for Bush's position, and any other position Bush wants to try.
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Post by Naselus on Jan 20, 2006 12:13:37 GMT
Rolling Stones walk out of Rock non-proliferation talks
Hopes for world peace and quiet suffered another blow today when Mick Jagger, the liptastic frontman for the Rolling Stones, stormed out of the Rock non-proliferation talks in Wembley Stadium Arena.
Citing that he couldn't get no satisfaction, the singer stood up, left the conference and climbed into his bright pink stretch limo, vowing never to return.
Jagger is the third attendee to have left the talks so far, following Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickenson and the ghost of Jim Morrison. It now seems increasingly unlikely that someone will get these kids to turn the damn noise down.
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Post by Naselus on Jan 20, 2006 12:28:44 GMT
Veteran suicide bomber fired on gross incompetence charges
Long-time suicide bomber and "useless bastard" Mohammad Al-Jabir was yesterday sacked from terrorist group Swords of Justice for returning from his 58th mission in a row.
"Well, he always reported every mission as a complete success,", former employer Col. Mohmmar Qadaffi reported, "But after the first six or seven I began to have suspicions. If a suicide bomber comes back once then it's a miracle. If he comes back ten times, he's in the wrong line of work."
Al-Jabir, who's been a suicide bomber for over fifteen years, moved from Libya to Iraq, where the high employee turnover and his lengthy CV quickly earned him a job in the Swords of Justice.
"Well, we go through a lot of people in the industry,", said (sword's leader) Haroon Zumara, "So the chance of getting Mohammad on board was too great to mss. We got him straight back out into the field, and were greatly impressed by his 'coming back afterwards' technique. At first."
However, things soon took a turn for the worse.
"We noticed that Mohammad's suicide quota was waaaaaay behind the others. I mean, most of the guys here manage a 100% suicide rate in their career, but Al-Jabir's not even killed himself once out of 58 missions. It was clear he had to go."
Al-Jabir himself refused to comment, but his lawyers stated that his high survival rate was due in part to disability and should prove grounds for unfair dismissal.
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